Zero Punctuation: Fear 2
by admin on Feb.28, 2009, under Games
All I Really Need to Know, I Learned on the Internet
by admin on Feb.21, 2009, under Blackstar Ninja
You probably learned a lot of “life lessons” in kindergarten, only to get into the real world and find they no longer matter. Sharing? Not so easy in the grown-up world. Long gone are the days of Duplos and Lincoln Logs; now we have adult things, like Legos. How one shares a crazy thing like legos is beyond me. We didn’t cover such things in k-5. You probably didn’t even graduate k-5.
And so we become functioning adults with no set moral compass. We have our norms, our customs, our pleasantries, but we’re never really sure if we’re doing it right. This is why the internet exists. The internet is the civilized, rational, educated community that can save our deteriorating society.
The internet is scary, of course. You’ll need the Amulet of Tinycat to navigate its treacherous waters. *Hands over the amulet* Go now and gather wisdom. Do it before I decide to revoke the amulet.
1 |
You need vigilance at every step of your life. Pool shark is everywhere, ready to turn your summer BBQ into a concerted effort to locate your legs. Never let your senses relax. Never relax at all. Pool shark makes quick work of the relaxed. |
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Keep your friends close, but your skeleton army closer. You never know when, in the course of the day’s bear-blasting or hump-catting, you’ll need to call an army of undead to turn that B+ into an A. Few will stand up to skeleton army. Those who do are bear-blasted into the dimension of the undead.  |
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Learn the golden rule and live by it. You never know when you’ll find yourself in the other person’s shoes. Cookies and cream? Shame on you. Waffle cone? Well I never.  |
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There is always someone more funny than you. For instance, this blog, which finds and posts such awesometry as shown in the bottom figure, is likely more funny than you. |
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Never give up. The time to put on your best spacesuit and ride the green shark is never. Ever. |
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Don’t do drugs. Your friends might think it’s cool. Even the Lolcats might peer pressure you. It’s still no excuse for you to do them. Let’s not do coke. |
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Stay away from ninjas and their nefarious blogs. If lighting yourself on fire is what it takes to keep the ninja away, then light you must do. Even ninjas cant blog in the face of level 8 fire shield. |
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8 |
Your time is yours and yours only. You must never be afraid to look someone in the eye and firmly say, “DO NOT WANT.” My boss wanted to light me on fire last week. Though I welcomed the protection from ninja attacks, I preferred not to burn at the time. “Do not want. Kthx bai.” |
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Don’t believe every Lolcat you see. They may look convincing, but lolcats are not FDA approved and may be falsely captioned. For example, I have it on good faith that the correct caption for the image below is “Srry fur missin kurfew, mum. Nxt time I iz home bai 10.” |
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10 |
Never trust your friends, unless you have hired a skeleton army (see above). Your friends will betray you, whether for gold coins, bananas, or to be the first to the princess’ castle. |
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Everybody lies to you, all the time.  |
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No matter what you become in life, there will always be a prodigious foreign person who can do it better. Learn to blame your “runner-ups” on the political & educational system in which you were raised. Your failures are anybody’s fault but your own. |
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Start every day with a mirror five. On the internet, you are the only friend you need. |
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14 |
Start fires, then run. Fires can be a metaphor for anything, be it an argument, a mistake, or an insult. Your problems can’t chase you because your problems can’t run.
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15 |
Once you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, you can’t take it back. We’d all like to unsee our mistakes in life. That IM you sent, that email you fwded…oh to go back in time. Some of us would even like to unsee this blog post. The intenet is a harsh mistress, however. Your time is nonrefundable and you will never erase its scalding stupidity. |
Zero Punctuation: Gears of War 2
by admin on Jan.30, 2009, under Games
Halo 3: ODST Musical Debut at Video Games Live
by admin on Jan.29, 2009, under Halo, Music
YouTube user relativiox had the pleasure of attending the recent Video Games Live Seattle concert that included the world premiere of music from the Halo 3: ODST trailer. Enjoy his steady-handed video capture of the event, which just happens to run 1:17. Coincidence? I think not.
Source [halo.bungie.org]
Video Game Controllers for Your Kitty
by admin on Jan.29, 2009, under Accessories, Games, XBOX
You’re playing your favorite video game, you get to a particularly difficult part, and all the sudden your cat decides it’s play time. Your normally sweet but currently annoying feline begins batting at your headset cord, rubbing against your otherwise occupied controller, or inspecting the television and covering up your ever important radar. What’s a gamer to do when they are busy playing and their cat decides it needs some attention as well? GEEKitty Gear, a store that specializes in outfitting your feline companion with geek gear, has got you covered. If you’re playing the Xbox 360 and your kitty wants attention, give her the feline-friendly Xbox 360 controller. If you’re playing Guitar Hero and your kitty wants attention, give her the feline-friendly Guitar Hero controller. If you’re playing the Wii and your kitty wants attention, play with your cat instead. It’ll be more fun. All GEEKitty Gear offerings (which are priced between $8 and $15) are handsewn, made from felt, and loaded with irresistible catnip. My kitty would like the phallic looking controller. And yes, I meant that the way you took it.
I Already See Dead People
by admin on Jan.28, 2009, under Games, Halo
Some passionate gamers use Halo 3’s Forge mode as an unique outlet to propose to their significant other. Unfortunately though it doesn’t always result in a fairy tale ending. Unless you consider no more split screen happily ever after. Which I, for one, totally do.
Break-Up Bridge
Halo Wars Vidoc #1
by admin on Jan.27, 2009, under Games, Halo
15 Comments :halo wars, rtsg, spartans, video, vidoc more...With This Xbox 360 Cake, I Thee Wed
by admin on Jan.27, 2009, under Accessories, XBOX
Next time I get married, I want a groom’s cake.* They always get something wonderfully unique and video game-related while the bride gets stuck with some flowery leaning tower of ivory boringness. Screw that shit. I say bring on the console cakes! And a passionate gamer playing groom in Whippany, NJ apparently said the same thing. This delectable Xbox 360 confectionery masterpiece, created by the culinary extraordinaires at Pink Cake Box, was crafted from red velvet cake and includes two layers of lemon cream cheese and one layer of raspberry chambord. It even comes with an achievement which almost makes a lifetime of split screen worth it. Please note the almost.
*If anybody else is reading this, I like long walks behind the base of Valhalla and manning extremely large, powerful turrets.
He Makes You a Portal Gun, He Makes You a Portal Gun Not
by admin on Jan.26, 2009, under Accessories, Games
The typical boyfriend gives you flowers, jewelry, and skimpy lingerie he wants you to wear. A boyfriend who truly loves you however will give you something much more significant, such as the perfect accessory for your latest Aperture Science Test Subject costume. Flickr user emilyskeith clearly has the latter as her other half made her an ASHPD (Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device) that lights up both blue and orange along the tube and in the barrel and also red on the prongs when the gun is turned on. After receiving a gift as awesome as this, I bet the gun isn’t the only thing turned on! Go dig out that lingerie that’s buried in the back of your closet emilyskeith. Someone’s more than a little deserving I’d say. Unless of course the gun vibrates. Then you don’t even need the boyfriend anymore! Oh jeez, I’m just kidding. Go drool over all the pictures after the jump already.
Source [Kotaku]
It’s a Damned Ray Gun
by admin on Jan.23, 2009, under Games, Halo
I readily admit I am a complete and total n00b when it comes to Halo. I laser my own team’s warthog when I’m aiming for the other team’s banshee, I get more betrayals than anybody else on the planet, and I stay in the base playing defense on one flag games when my team is on offense. So it probably won’t come as a surprise that I didn’t know you could actually kill somebody with a plasma pistol. Yes, I knew of its lowering shields capabilities. Yes, I knew it could temporarily render vehicles motionless. But I had no earthly idea it could actually finish somebody off until I saw this Plasma Pistol Montage. The quality of this video is less than optimal and it’s not exactly dressed to the nines, but it shows some ridiculously embarrassing kills by everybody’s favorite green ball-spewing weapon. Before watching this video, the thing I hated being killed by the most was a needler. After watching this video, I am officially changing my answer to the plasma pistol. Seriously, I’d rather be teabagged by an entire team of Elites before getting killed by this gun. Push play, then pray to the Halo gods this never happens to you.
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Hi and welcome to my brand spankin’ new website. My name is DOOM and I create standards-compliant app's that are clean, user-oriented and have the ability to stand out (!). Here you’ll find a little bit of info about the things that I do and love and what I might be able to do with you. You’ll find that I love learning about web design and programming. I also love to work with NET, the best platafform out there for making strong and powerful programs.
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